Disconnect

I started the draft of this post with traveling through what has been my experiences and gaining greater awareness of where the disconnect feeling comes from. Multiple experiences of disconnect – military dependent life of frequent move; being advanced throughout the school years resulting in peer rejection; being the oldest of seven; difficulty with being accepted by peers at work ( my perspective and thus my withdrawal); frustrations in work settings and easily moving on to new options; marriage with an experience of disconnect; developing disconnects from family “responsibilities” thus affecting relationships; to name a few.

So questions that go through my mind are: Why do I feel disconnected? Why do I set up and
maintain disconnection? What do I gain and loose from being disconnected?

The disconnect feeling comes from feeling different, not being understood, not fitting in. Duhhhhh so what’s new? That is a common experience. The feeling different has to do with the way my mind works, how I see things, how I put information together. It is frustrating with others not getting it. I quickly realize and acknowledge my mind works differently and need to be open to how others’ minds work as part of the experience.

The disconnect comes from fear – fear of being rejected and not belonging. Being alone is done with ease – not easily. Experiences repeated as I get excited and share something I am exuberant about – people respond alright – they become quiet, start up side conversations, at times laugh, but further conversation is limited. And yes I do become highly excitable like a child. I want to jump and run and shout. Okay that might scare some people. So instead I am quiet, withdrawn, and carefully join in the chit chat. Or I fear monopolizing the conversation and others time. Yes, at times they are willing to listen and then I become self-conscious and I am out of line being the center of attention and not including others or responding to their needs.

Even with disconnect I can share personal feelings and experiences. I can do this with feeling but without the invested connection. Thus I can participate in the connection of relationships with a safety disconnect in place. Investing further in a connection with out the safety mechanism leaves me more vulnerable. I do feel. I have strong feelings and to maintain on a day in and day out basis they need to be kept safely put away. I recognize my highs and lows. I recognize my attraction to friends. I do not want to interfere with their other connections. The withholding creates a dam and thus I am careful when I do begin to share with a listening audience, because it can become a flood.

Being a lone is not a problem. I have lots of ideas, projects, activities to do, explore, connect with. I like doing a variety of things. I like to do new things. If I have done it once I am ready to move onto something else. This also is a part of the disconnect – not wanting to do the same thing repeatedly creates a difficulty in connecting with others. I enjoy being productive (my perspective), accomplishing things (even little ones – keeping my hands busy), yet I enjoy doing things at my own pace and leaving something and coming back to it. Yes my home is my castle in the sense of a safe place and comfort.

I acknowledge my connections. I support my connections. I do such with safety for myself and in ways as not to interfere with others and their connections. Then comes the question of inputting the necessary energy to develop and maintain relationships – especially new ones. Value on return comes into question and the fear again of rejection or no return. Thus, the ease and comfort of being alone.

Question then arises – what do I want relative to connections? As with anything, what am I willing to invest for a return? What am I willing to risk for a return? What am I willing to change? What action am I willing to take? What effort am I willing to put forth? The result – connection, another experience of the joys of life (and the frustrations) are part of the discovery – of life’s journey and me. So the questions and the wide eyed experiences continue!